Past Life = Present Self

This week I have been forced to visit a part of my life that is over, but played a great impact on who I have become today.

I started working for IHOP right after I got my drivers license.  I started as a host, and quickly moved into serving. At the time, I loved it. It was quick cash!  I even became pretty good at it. Along the way I made many friends. Life-long friends.  Also people which I believed would be life-long friends, who are no longer the friends I expected they would be at this point in my life.  This part of my life helped to usher in my my high school diploma, my oldest daughter, and my college degree.

 
We all lost a great friend, Lynn. She was the center of our little IHOP world.  She was one of the few I still kept in contact with.  We had our ups and downs, but we always remained friends. 

It makes me wonder if part of Lynn's plan was to get us all together again.  It felt almost like an alternate universe being around all of those IHOPers again. 

Moving on from "That" life, I have done a lot of growing up, and maybe too much realization. With having been forced to relive that part of my life, I now realize why some of my relationships are no longer what they were. While this makes me sad, I am also now much more aware and appreciative of the genuine relationships in my life.

Every experience in my life has helped to build who I am.  I am damned proud of who I am... So even to those who I am not truly friends with anymore, I will thank you for the experiences you gave... to make me the much more appreciative person that I am today.

And to Lynn Allan, You will forever be in our hearts, and minds.  The IHOP reunion, while everyone gathered for you, it felt incomplete without you, and your laugh. Rest in peace "abuelita."

Lynn Marie Allan ~ 1958-2012

Hate to Hate

Hate is such an ugly emotion.  Yet, I feel it overcome me far too often.  They say; "god doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well, I am not sure about that, well I guess that phrase should be put differently in today's society.  Maybe it could say something more like; " God doesn't give you more than you or xanax can handle."

It has been 9 1/2 years since I met my ex.  The entire time he made sure to tell me that I was not good enough, without those exact words.  "You fat, ugly bitch..." That was the most common.  When  he was really pissed, worse words were used.  What I think is hilarious, is his new "friend"- which I assume is a girl (?) is seriously anything but cute.  It's funny how that works... You tell somebody how hideous they are for so many years, then when they leave, and you finally find someone new, they are far but comparable to the person you were with.

The hate I have inside for him could be minimal at this point in are relationship, except for the fact that he can't just leave our relationship at nothing but our daughter.  When he is really pissed, he loves to talk shit about my 10 year old.  He believes deep down to his soul that he is better than Priscilla's father.  Well you know what, I have no hate for Priscilla's father anymore.  He leaves us in peace. Yes, he is missing out on an extraordinary, beautiful girl, BUT he leaves us in PEACE.  I can not say that for him.  Every minute I know him, I feel angst in my soul, that I know wouldn't be there if he would be a different person, or leave us alone.

Needless to say, we got into another fight today.  The huge ones, from normal ones, are the ones where he is pissed enough to bring my Priscilla into the argument.  Because, you know, that's what a REAL MAN does.  Talks shit about a little girl that wanted nothing but for him to love her. Seriously, you have to be some piece of shit scumbag to do that.

I guess this is why I am single, and have no desire for a relationship.  I mean, the thought of one makes my stomach ill.  I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can try to be in a relationship.  I have to say, I have come a long way.  I do not feed into his arguments like I used to a few years ago.  I don't call him names (to his face), and I don't start any arguments.  I sit there and listen to his rant, then hang up, and pray that there are no emails to follow.  In the meantime, I dread the fact that I have to see him the next day.  When I say dread, I mean I get a feeling of vomit in my throat.  I pray that he will be civil, in front of Becca. 

I pray to god that he would give Michael the peace he needs to be civil.... but I guess god has a different plan.  I just hope there is some resolution to all of this soon... I feel like I am on a Merry-go-round that refuses to let me off, and I am terrified of heights.

Father of the Child

Blogging. How I would like to do it more, but have been too exhausted to even open up my computer when I get home.

I love the weekends, and not just because it is "the weekend", but because on the weekends I do not have to deal with "The Father of The Child."  He says I treat him like a babysitter. Well, of course I always tell him, of course you're not...but eh, yeah. That's all he is good for.  I mean I called him on fathers day to see if he wanted to see his kid, and he said, "Maybe later, it's my day off." Are you kidding me? You wonder why you feel like a scheduled babysitter...well that's why, shit for brains.  He doesn't help me with Rebecca's medical bills, No child support, and I definitely cannot make my work schedule inconvenient for him.

Most of you know, he and I were probably never meant to be, but it took me bringing a child into this world with him, to smarten up.  What blows my mind now, is I don't understand what I EVER found attractive about him.  He literally makes me sick to look at.  Everything that comes out of his mouth, revolves around what is wrong with his life, and how what I do or say immediately effects him, and only him.  Well, his life is a shithole because he made it that way.  He got into the car accident that paralyzed him for life, and made him a drug addict, by his own doing. His grandparents and aunt spoiled him beyond belief, to where there is no way he can survive without somebody taking care of him.

I guess if we could leave our relationship at him being the babysitter, and me having to do nothing but drop my daughter off and pick her up, life wouldn't be too excruciating around him.  But that is not what our relationship consists of.  Random name calling because I won't lend him money, or buy him cigarrettes, is not even half of what I deal with.  I don't get child support from him, while he lives in a beautiful house, and my kids and I live in a shithole condo across the street from a half-way house.  I would like to think his family will eventually give the house to my kids, but I am not keeping my hopes up.

I realize that this whole blog has been one huge bitch-fest, but i'm not too remorseful for it.  ;) 

On another note, my health issue regarding my weight has still not been resolved.  The labs came back, and they lean toward what they initially thought. However, I found this out on my own...I can not get anybody to call me back about a resolution to my abnormally high levels of glucose in my labs. ...yet another reason I am on a bitch fest... *SIGH*  Happy Saturday all!!

Avoiding Therapy

So many times, in the past couple of years, people (such as physicians and my mother) have told me I should be in counseling.  Apparently I am a bitter, jaded, man-hating bitch. I prefer to think of myself as an independent, slightly stressed out, single mom with no interest for a man in my life.  However my personality is perceived to others, it is really none of my concern.  I do my best to remain calm; anxiety is a huge issue for me lately.  I do my best to provide a stable home for my daughters.  Right now, I am trying my hardest to stay healthy. 

Weight has always been an issue for me.  Right now, I do not worry about it for any other reason that how I feel from it, mentally and physically.  As I asked my doctor for help, she also tells me that I should look into counseling.  She believes I am eating to compensate for something else.  Um okay...I eat less than 1200 calories a day, peddle my under-desk peddler, all damn day, and do the elliptical several times a week.  Can you tell me how that is eating my feelings??  I have put 15lbs on in 2 months.  *I* believe there are further issues to be addressed, so they are finally looking into something more than just assuming that I am a binging fat-ass. 

I only pray that something comes out of the labs that were drawn yesterday.  I do not keep my hopes up.  I have tons of issues, but I come off like somewhat of a hypochondriac when nothing results from tests taken.  Thyroid came back "perfect" so now we test insulin levels and for polycystic ovaries.  I am told that if this is my condition I should be growing hair in odd places. *looks down shirt* ummm... not yet.

I am going to do my best to blog as often as I can. I have so much to say, actually, to bitch about... but if I put it all in one post...(1) I wouldn't have much else to blog about in the future and (2) I will be up all night.