Hate is such an ugly emotion. Yet, I feel it overcome me far too often. They say; "god doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well, I am not sure about that, well I guess that phrase should be put differently in today's society. Maybe it could say something more like; " God doesn't give you more than you or xanax can handle."
It has been 9 1/2 years since I met my ex. The entire time he made sure to tell me that I was not good enough, without those exact words. "You fat, ugly bitch..." That was the most common. When he was really pissed, worse words were used. What I think is hilarious, is his new "friend"- which I assume is a girl (?) is seriously anything but cute. It's funny how that works... You tell somebody how hideous they are for so many years, then when they leave, and you finally find someone new, they are far but comparable to the person you were with.
The hate I have inside for him could be minimal at this point in are relationship, except for the fact that he can't just leave our relationship at nothing but our daughter. When he is really pissed, he loves to talk shit about my 10 year old. He believes deep down to his soul that he is better than Priscilla's father. Well you know what, I have no hate for Priscilla's father anymore. He leaves us in peace. Yes, he is missing out on an extraordinary, beautiful girl, BUT he leaves us in PEACE. I can not say that for him. Every minute I know him, I feel angst in my soul, that I know wouldn't be there if he would be a different person, or leave us alone.
Needless to say, we got into another fight today. The huge ones, from normal ones, are the ones where he is pissed enough to bring my Priscilla into the argument. Because, you know, that's what a REAL MAN does. Talks shit about a little girl that wanted nothing but for him to love her. Seriously, you have to be some piece of shit scumbag to do that.
I guess this is why I am single, and have no desire for a relationship. I mean, the thought of one makes my stomach ill. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can try to be in a relationship. I have to say, I have come a long way. I do not feed into his arguments like I used to a few years ago. I don't call him names (to his face), and I don't start any arguments. I sit there and listen to his rant, then hang up, and pray that there are no emails to follow. In the meantime, I dread the fact that I have to see him the next day. When I say dread, I mean I get a feeling of vomit in my throat. I pray that he will be civil, in front of Becca.
I pray to god that he would give Michael the peace he needs to be civil.... but I guess god has a different plan. I just hope there is some resolution to all of this soon... I feel like I am on a Merry-go-round that refuses to let me off, and I am terrified of heights.
